hoppa_i_polla

the important thing is to know everything can change with one day, one decision, one remark, one action.


we can be unforgiving, oblivious people...

i wish i could remember what it was like to have friends that really were there for you 100% all the time anytime no questions asked. i can't remember when the majority of my texts/phonecalls weren't unanswered. i don't even bother most of the time anymore. and it's not even about the times when i'm super low and really need someone. it's also those quirky ridiculous things that don't really matter. those things you just want to share with someone who will find it equally hilarious or ironic or whatever. it makes me sad to think that we are all so young and have so much yet to experience and most of us can't even share the little things with someone else.
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i don't want you to think that i can't respect the fact that other people do have lives apart from my relationship with them. i am very well aware of that. but i don't think i should have to do this much work to have relationships with people, friendly or otherwise.
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i wish i didn't feel like i had to be the one to put forth the effort. but i fear that if i didn't, the friends that i do have would turn exactly into the friends i've lost. it's all a masquerade. i'll pretend to be your friend for a night. we'll drink around each other and be jovial, and i won't hear from you again for months.
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maybe i'm overreacting. or maybe we're all just a bunch of assholes.

I can't show weakness to anyone.

My vulnerability must be outspoken and directed at a something slightly similar, but adjacent to the source

I hate them, all of them that have known him without me. I detest them, I envy them, I want to know what it feels like to be them.

It's fucked up.

I've never been so disoriented- my mind constantly jumping from one thing to the next
there is no actual relaxation in my life because I deprave myself with purpose

I can't shut down because I'm scared it'll be too hard to start all over again.

Is it the fear or the stubbornness that stimulates me? I don't know

... but it's something. something that is fed up with stagnancy and complacency; with the same words and phrases in all the same order

this tension has been building, perpetually allowing short intervals of release, but nonetheless steadily mounting

at this point, I have no idea where it's coming from.

could it be my unsure future? my unfulfilled desires? my constant set backs?

the clarity which is lacking, the self that is incomplete

No one will ever know me again, because I am no longer "me" but something else that has been collected from the pieces.

ayeaye

So it's snowing like crazy and it's beautiful and white and perfect and it's Christmastime.
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And I am sitting by myself in my room in my parents' house feeling very impossibly far away from anyone I'd want to be with when it's snowing outside. I hate that I have to be here right now. I hate that I have to work at 9 tomorrow morning no matter what the weather does. I hate that I probably won't get to go downtown tomorrow night because of this damn snow. Saturday nights are the ONLY nights I get to stay overnight in Richmond. And I just happen to be PARTICULARLY excited about THIS weekend. I don't even know whyyy but I was so exciiited. Now I'm just pissed off and frustrated and I don't want to be in this house or this room that I slept in when I was 12 and I don't want to listen to my parents watch terrible sitcoms on TV but that's ALL they do here because they work too hard during the day to ACTUALLY spend any real time with us and I wish they wouldn't make me feel like my situation right now is my fault because it's not really. I didn't know that VCU would return my loans. I didn't know I'd have to pay back all of my tuition from last semester. I was not made aware of any of this by my VCU advisors when I withdrew from classes. I blame them for that. I don't think I should have to pay back the tuition from last semester because I was ill-advised when asked how withdrawing would affect my finances with VCU. If I didn't have this stupid bill I could have moved out more than a month ago. I could be where I want to be, where I should be. Which is not here.
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I'm so tired of this fucking situation. I'm miserable living here. I have a very small number of friends that actually show any interest in what happened to me after I withdrew from classes. I feel very alone and very far away from the life I had started on my own. I don't feel like I even have a life of my own anymore.
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I can't even cry without someone making me feel shitty about being sad. That helps loads.
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My mom wants me to go back to therapy. She just can't understand why I have weird mood swings or why I cry sometimes. Crying is just a release for me. Shit builds up and I just need to cry. She thinks it's more than that though; she thinks I'm depressed; she thinks I have un-dealt with issues. But really, it's so much simpler than that. This is not where I want to be. This is not the life I wish I was living. This is not the young adulthood I had in mind. I am unhappy with just about every aspect of my life right now. I'm living at home. I haven't been in school for months. I have been working my ass off trying to make enough money to pay off this VCU debt. I won't be able to move out until after the spring semester is over probably. I'm lonely as all hell. I don't meet anyone new or get to see the people I do know often. So, Mom, I'm not depressed. I'm just FUCKING miserable with my life. Sorry if you don't want one of your precious children to be unhappy but stop trying to make me feel like I have problems that I don't know how to handle. It's not that at all. I'm at a shitty point in my life. And I don't care if you're an optimist or a pessimist, but when you find yourself in a shitty situation, it's still shitty no matter how you look at it. I know things could be worse. I know I'm lucky to have what I have blahblahblah but how about what I WANT for myself? Doesn't it matter anymore what people WANT out of life? I don't want to be 20 and living at home and owing lots of money all over the place and working 37 hours every week and barely ever getting to sleep anywhere but my parents' house. I don't want to write passive aggressive Facebook statuses and Livejournal entries. I don't want to be unhappy, but I am. I wish I could love living here, I honestly do. It'd be easier on ALL of us. But this was not my choice. This is not my life.
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My dad thinks I "pissed away 2 years of college." I've asked him repeatedly not to phrase it that way. I've explained that at the end of high school, I had no idea what I wanted to do with my life so I picked something I liked, theatre, and the department which I entered, Theatre VCU, was not the right place for me. And although it did take me 2 years to figure out that department wasn't the right place for me, at least I didn't drop out. Believe me, I considered it. Dad thinks I'm not focused enough. I haven't proven that I'm a responsible person capable of making my own decisions or living on my own. I know it's hard to believe, but maybe, JUST FUCKING MAYBE, the world is a little different now than it was when he went to college. The transition into college was a lot harder for me than it is for some people. And I'M NOT FUCKING HIM. He thinks I'm doing EXACTLY what he did. Sorry dad, you're wrong again. I didn't go partying every weekend and take random road trips with my buddies to Mexico. I had a hard time getting used to college life and I was depressed for a while, and yes, I did have little academic focus. Because I was trying to figure out what the hell I was doing there. Sometimes I think I may have known all along that Theatre VCU wasn't going to be right for me. But I kept trying, despite what my transcript looks like, I DID keep trying. But the thing is, I wasn't going to succeed there. So even IF I had written that paper I didn't write or hadn't missed that test, it is likely I would have ended up in this very same place. So fuck you, dad. Stop trying to make me out to be the fuck-up you think you were.
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No one fucking understands me here.
I'm not supposed to be here.